I Am Hiding From My Family
Title: I Am Hiding From My Family
There’s a new subculture of porn in town and it’s what you see when you enter the words “sheds with windows” on the Home Depot.com page. Prepare yourself for the sexiest, escapist treasure trove of hot bods your 40+ year old eyes have seen. And when I say hot bods I mean a fully-installed 12 x 16 shed with shingles and window boxes. Are you panting yet? Cause I’m talking sexy, gymnastics-flexible engorgements like a lockable door from the inside and a covered front terrace. Yeah, fan yourself because I’m talking about the “Upgrade Your Shed” customization page where you can find shelving, french doors and, (don’t stop!) octagonal windows for your shed!
I am that lady with inexplicably frizzy hair at all times of the year, living amongst you, and I am a shed porn addict. On excessively long Zoom meetings, I minimize the faces stare longingly at these sultry vixens, these structures taunting me with their promises of exquisite aloneness. Because though I have looked, there is not a place inside my house that I can fully hide from my family that also doesn’t have spiders and/or mice. And I am the kind of person who formerly could not get enough family time. I am she who puts the mother in smother.
But under this quarantine, there is altogether TOO MUCH family time with no escape! There is nowhere to run from the incessant “I unloaded the dishwasher already today so you do it because you never do anything and what you do contribute is inferior to what I contribute and I’m bleeding again. Mommmmmmm! I’m bleeding again and I need a Bandaid! Where are they!?” Why is there so much blood in a quarantine? Are they learning Filipino knife fighting upstairs while I work? And if they learn well enough can that count as homeschooling?
Deep breaths. Take a deep breath and go to the happy place, Jennie. Go to the shed.
In my imaginary shed there is a table where I can work, a Nescafe machine with pods I didn’t have to pay for and.... And that’s it really. It’s just me and some high-end beverages. And if all that sounds too bougie to get you on board we can toss out the Nescafe machine and I’ll just tote my regular coffee machine out to the woods with me each day. Because that’s where my shed is going--deep under the cover of the forest. To get to me my family has to put on pants, or at least shoes. So that’s one level of security. Another level is that I will have a Liz Phair-only music policy, and if it’s one thing my kids hate it’s “Mom’s college music”. To deter my spouse from approaching my sanctuary, I will plant only weeds and dandelions and let his allergies work their magic.
Once I am alone I can finally stop and enjoy the magic that this “time at home” is supposed to offer me. There in my shed I can savor this time to connect with my kids and my partner; time to bake together and giggle over Pinterest fail projects. Alone in my shed I am enjoying this time home with them.