The Wedding of the Century: My Eyebrows
The Wedding of the Century My Eyebrows
Join me for my live Pay-Per-View Event: *The Joining of Jennie’s Eyebrows*!
My eyebrows are uniting to form a barrier between my facial features and my forehead. Why are they doing this, you ask? My unibrow believes it is the first line of defense against Covid-19. If Coronavirus is indeed dripping from the sky (per Trump, the only known way to get it), my eyebrows are the United States Marines. Nothing will get by them.
My nearly-conjoined eyebrows already tell coworkers and clients in Zoom meetings so much about me. They tell people I care more about disease prevention than personal appearance. My unibrow lets people know I am not a frivolous person obsessed with “how I look”. I am not using this “valuable time at home” to focus on grooming.
My new look suggests to others creativity and a beauty ideal no one had thought of before. Some have said I look like I am impersonating a “downtrodden Frida Kahlo” or that I could be “the hairier sister of the Marx Brothers”. Others have said it seems I am building a natural frame around my face with human hair, like I am both the subject and frame in my own self-portrait.
Do you see? Do you understand? There are so many wonderful benefits to letting yourself go.
But let’s get back to the Pay-Per-View Event! *The Joining of Jennie’s Eyebrows* will feature a countdown, a sped-up elapsing of time wherein the missing eyelash breaks through the skin to solidify the union of two unique eyebrow souls. This is a wedding! A marriage of two lived experiences fusing into one being!
It’s a celebration of the hirsute!
And this is why you must sign up for my Pay-Per-View Event. As the last follicle clears the epidermis, you, loyal fan, will get a front row seat to history being made. You can say YOU WERE THERE when the left eyebrow met the right eyebrow and the universe achieved enlightenment and we all touched the void! And if this sounds scary to you, fear not! You will not fall into a chasm of self-reflection and existential despair (an event this cataclysmic is likely to inspire some purpose questioning) because there will be music! And confetti! And Ryan Seacrest is going to be our announcer, just like on New Year’s. Mariah Carey will make an appearance in something ill-fitting and age-incompatible. EVERYONE will be there.
So join me, won’t you? Join me and together we can build a new nation of female faces; faces that have a space bar at the top of their keyboards. Faces that look like an upside down Atari brick breaker. Faces with a built-in visor made of lashes. Faces that are doing their part to stop Covid-19.