I Like It When You Compliment Me. Silently. To Yourself.
Recently, I had this abominable interaction…
Me: Hi! It’s been a while. How are you?
Friend I Haven’t Seen in 2 years: I’m okay! Don’t you look adorable!
Me: Ugh.
Friend: …
Me: My COVID 5 pound weight gain is really more like 11.
Friend: (Face falling, deeply uncomfortable/ Was just trying to give a compliment/ Regrets every decision that led to this moment) Oh, god.
That friend quickly left the room in search of someone who wouldn’t turn a happy ‘how-are you’ into a ‘validate-me-because-my-pants-don't-fit' moment.
You see, I’m partially back at work now, but my social skills are still hiding in a closet at home. The world can seem pretty dark and bleak, and it’s easy to get negative. It’s also easy to fill the void with an endless stream of words, some of which are bound to rub people the wrong way.
This time, my negative spiral about weight gain ruined a sweet reunion. I wondered if my friend now thinks I’m one of those women-- obsessed with their bodies, unable to gauge people’s level of interest in their smoothie regiment, using “acai” in conversation even though it makes everyone uncomfortable.
But the truth is I really like my body. I’m okay with whatever size I am. And if I’m momentarily not, I should understand the friend I haven’t seen in 2 years doesn’t want to kickstart our reunion with a deep dive into body dysmorphia. Basically, it isn’t about the weight gain.
What it is about is my lack my interpersonal skills these days.
As my friend excused herself from my presence, I vowed there and then to get my social skills back on track.
So I’m working on a list of things you can say when someone compliments you so things don’t get weird (based on recent experience).
Here are some recent scenarios I’m revising.
Scenario 1
What Happened
A neighbor I barely know walked by and said, “Nice mulch!”
What I Said
“Oh, yeah, we just put it down! My husband wanted to get the bulk mulch dumped in our driveway (instead of conveniently delivered in bags) because it’s cheaper, and I said, ‘But then we have to buy a wheelbarrow, which negates the savings. And then we own a wheelbarrow, and for what? When will it end?!’”
What I Should Have Said
“Thank you!”
Scenario 2
What Happened
A new friend saw me get out of the pool after swimming some laps and said, “You’re a good swimmer.”
What I Said
“That’s nice of you to say. I love swimming. I’m not as good as my brother who was nearly an Olympian, if not an angel incarnate-- I swear my family, and the state of Maryland, experienced the bliss of nirvana with each of his flipturns.”
What I Should Have Said
“Thank you!”
Scenario 3
I put dinner on the table and my daughter said, “Smells delicious!”
What I Said
“I didn’t have 8 out of 9 of the ingredients in the recipe, so what you’re smelling is the earthy aroma of hot, plain carrots.”
What I Should Have Said
“Thank you!”
Why is it so hard to take a compliment? Why can’t I just get normal again? Why is every social interaction so fraught with difficulty? Pre-COVID, I made one faux pas per dinner party. Three max. And now, every time I walk the dog I return and declare some atrocious foot-in-mouth encounter.
Like, “Honey, I’m back! Did you know you’re not supposed to make jokes about fecal worms in cats? Apparently, it’s totally off limits.”
And, “Babe, you’re not going to believe this. Guess who doesn’t like to talk about money, cancer or politics? ALL the people at the dog park.”
I’m trying to go easy on myself. I’m telling myself it takes time to assimilate back into society.
So if you and I run into each other, and you say, “How’s it going? You look nice today,”, I’m just going to breathe and try not to turn the vehicle of a well-meaning compliment onto the Kenny Loggins’ highway to the danger zone. I’m going be gracious and stoic and I won’t sweat a lot or let my response drift to COVID positivity rates. I’m going to smile.
I’m going to say, “Thank you.”
And then I’m going to run home screaming.